& just look up

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I wonder, if I've ever made you smile the way she makes me smile.

I hate the way I look out for you everytime I see people in your uniform.
I miss talking to you :( alot. alot alot alot.

I remember airport icecream date @ 3am in the morning, after one of the rounds,
I remember talking at your house till 2am in the morning, the day before coals 2008.
I miss catching your eye during a debate on the floor, and watching you nod,
or leaning over and fretting seconds before going on the floor.

I miss watching your eyes glitter with barely contained excitement before a round.
& I miss hearing you speak the most.
facebook asked me if I would recognize your voice if you called. and I skipped the question. the truth is, I know it too well to not recognize it.

I'm leaving debate soon, too. and I fufiled my promise to you and them, the promise I made in sec1.

stronger than I've ever been now, never been afraid of standing out
but do I make you proud?

10:56 PM

S, when will you learn? if you score badly for Os or any major exams and come to me crying. I swear I wouldnt bother.

Really.

7:57 PM

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Rubbosh Silly Flower Star.

be okay.

9:27 PM

skipped school today.

woke up in the morning, walked to daddy. and tried to talk, ended up croaking. my dad is the best, he just, go and sleep now. like I need someone to tell me to do that? ((:

intended to study, I really did. ended up sleeping till 11plus. ;( and then went to school for oral. oral examiners who look over your head while you read is just so annoying.

I hate being sick this near to exams because my head feels so groggy :(

sentimental songs that means in the canteen are loved :)

9:15 PM

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I wash my hands of this. do what all of you deem fit. I dont know why I bother to try.

10:28 PM

I'm sorry I pushed people away today. It really wasnt anything to do with any of you. I just needed time alone away from everything else.

I need time to sort out what is inside my head. to balance logic and emotions. to rationalize everything that is going on.

Today's talk with mirna was..good. ((:

Study date @ Bishan library was..rather productive. but I still have a problem with juniors who are...harlots. sorry, there seems to be no other adjective that could be used to describe.

-

I wonder why, you like to use the thing that hurts me most. is it truly your intention to cause hurt, or is it because you dont fully understand how hurtful it actually is? you will never know what it feels like to be so intimately aware of all the details of the OAL board, but be "excluded" from it at the same time. I wonder if you will ever know of sitting in the canteen watching them do pre camp checks, or knowing the logistics like the back of your hand but not being there? I wonder if you know how I sat there and watched the instructors coiled ropes and yearned with all I had to go over and coil rope once again? do you know, I coiled rope for charmaine for a guides, and the familarity was so heart wrenching, I hurt so much? do you know? you dont, you cant. and you wont ever read this. but do you know everytime you use it against me once you hurt me more than you ever thought you could?

do you know OAC2010 was living hell?
why do you keep using this against me? why? does it give you pleasure to see me ache inside?

thank you for singlehandedly destroying the shield I built all over.

how do you explain something no one can truly understand?

9:58 PM

you know something? something that is, simply, awesome about the oal board?

people take ten, fifteen years to get to know another person, all the way. but from the time you begin prep for a new camp until the moment camp breaks, those few months, you will really know, every side of a person that there is.

you'll see the very very best, and the very very worst. in the toilet, in the shower, sleeping, half asleep, under pressure, everything. you just cant hide your true self. you'll see the glammest, and the most unglam of the other leaders/ instructors. everything, everything, just comes out.

and as much as OAL board teaches you to be decisive enough, fast enough to make snap decisions, decisions that may affect any person's safety. it also teaches you how to work in a team, how to stand as a united front.

this is why the OAL board is, great

& what that never fails to touch a spot in me, is that even though I've "left", they still count me as one of them. the term "leaders" seems to auto default include me. and that's what you get from the board. the feeling of family.

this never, never fails to surprise me.

the bulk of the reason, I'm proud to have ever called myself one of you.

7:31 PM

Monday, April 26, 2010

Let me tell you something.

I'm no brainless mixed school bimbo.

dont ever think of playing me.

call me a feminist, a tomboy, whatever.

dont even dream of playing me you would a puppet.

you dont deserve me. full stop.

fuming.

11:32 PM

I get so sick of trying to be okay with all of you. it seems to be all awfully fake. I mean, hey, I know that it doesnt matter now right? because ultimately we are going to step down. and bringing all the backstabbing and words to the open, it'll just drive a rift deeper in.

but I cant do this, all the time. I just cant, pretend like nothing is happening.

I could say that it doesnt matter. but it does.

I've always wanted the feeling of together. that was what the board gave me. when I didnt have the board anymore, el was all I had left.

I love debate. but I dont think I'll ever go back to debate in JC. too much pain and memories, as much as I love the floor.

9:11 PM

Sunday, April 25, 2010

watch me.

I'll be what you never could be.

8:23 PM

I dont know how to respond.

5:55 PM

Saturday, April 24, 2010

my daddy is awesome. (most of the time)

he doesnt mind the time, he will always come down and pick me up if I bother to call him :)

and because he knew I was sick today, he purposely went to get me dinner before going for cellgroup, cause he knew that the pig I was would just microwave instant noodles otherwise.

now the thing is. he got me charsiew roasted pork rice. and the thing about this is..it has the dark gravy over everything

and the gravy is extremely sweet.

which therefore translates to me, not being able to see anything I am eating. and everything just tastes sweet.

and since he told me to finish my food and be a good girl....I'm forcing cold rice down my throat now.

haha, but he's still awesome. as awesome as my ride at the beach just now :)

8:32 PM

it's like playing a card game.

we're cautious, thinking too much, reading too much into every sentence, every expression.

we pretend that we are not affected, when the truth is that it only hurts too much.

we yearn for the feeling of together, but are too afraid to let each other in. too afraid to strip any layer of defense.

our juniors look up to us. the sec1s, they love us. and everytime I see that in their eyes, I feel like telling them, nono, dont set your standards by us, dont let us be your benchmark. because we are not good enough yet. we hide all the ugliness with professinalism. we hate each other to the core but we dont show it. is that divorcing emotions from official stuff, or is that just the acting we seem to be so proficient at?

el, why?

when you dont talk about things, it doesnt mean that you dont care about it anymore.

people break, because not breaking is too hard to cart around, and breaking, allows you to piece the shattered pieces together and move on once again.

but when the burden becomes too heavy, and it's impossible to piece everything together after allowing it to shatter. you wont break. just, like that.

human nature. but how many people actually understand this?

truly, ignorance is your new best friend.

6:07 PM

I think I simply spend too much time caught up with too many things. so as with every other weekend, one of the two days is spent almost alone :)

I walked and walked and walked and walked and walked. and I feel pretty good now :)

that may be coz of tuition too, hehe :) I love having maths tuition because I always feel extremely smart after that, :)

I'm sleeeeeeeepy now :)

2:51 PM

Friday, April 23, 2010

finally got it off my chest. my thoughts are moving in circles. no end to them. I hate circular arguments as a debater, but I didnt know I would hate it so much in real life either.

it's pushing the line that I set up to protect myself and the people around me further and further from the starting line. I fear the day I realize that there isnt a line anymore. I'm sane enough, rational enough to stop this. am I?

Archu, Owl's still thinking. Stupid Owl to walk into this in the first place.

today my juniors said things to me that made me smile from the bottom. I was touched when they said those words. I take back my words. I will cry during farewell. if not for my level, for these juniors. perhaps all the efforts put in wasnt wasted totally after all :))

if I could I'd wrap you up in cotton wool and carry you in my pocket.

and it scares me to think that I may very well be the one who will hurt you the most.

Rubbosh, you made me smile today :)

9:39 PM

Thursday, April 22, 2010

haha, if I must say.

dance night, dancers were awesome. truly. I love to watch their confidence just shine through. but watching them dance under the spotlight, I had a sudden pang, missing the debate floor. the last debate I am speaking for is over. debate has been so ingrained in my cedar life, that not speaking feels, wrong.

but cedarians are horrible audiences. if there is no outsiders, fine. if there are, god, basic courtesy.

and emcees who speak like Ris Low. realllllllly.

I'm watching my juniors through this last competition. My last gift to the sec1s and 2s. and I'll just find a way to squeeze prelim1 mugging in. somehow.

I miss the floor. I want the debate thrill, all over again. I'll never regret asking for captain.

are you watching me?

I aint as weak as you think. I'll break, but I'll piece the pieces together and walk on, bold as before.

did you forget? yes, I'm every bit as proud as you say I am.

stronger than you'll ever be. I'll leave my legacy behind.

for pride, for passion, for love, for you- my friend, my most loved senior.

cedar debate team, 2007-2010.

no matter what happened in between, nothing else matters. nothing else but the floor.

the only place I'm home.

11:09 PM

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

senior?

I agree that there needs to be a line drawn, that a certain level of strictness should be put in place, a certain level of standard asked for.

but I dont think seniors should put down their juniors time and again.

so when ideas conflict, I do what I want.

I live for myself, and nobody else.

9:42 PM

Utterly utterly amused :) There are sooo many juniors out there with absolutely no concept of the phrase the world wide web. Haha, hilarious, simply amusing :)

I cant stand it omg this is Hilarious.

COALs campers think we dont read their blogs. All the UG juniors think the seniors have no internet access. and all the performing arts people think seniors dont use facebook

omg. really!!

9:35 PM

RCY has pop-ed. Guides farewell today. NCC seniors last session today. all the arts cca will step down after the various night events. EL's pushing it back abit to complete the stuff we need to finish.

but as much as we complain about how school sucks, we've grown up in here. cried, laughed, been pissed, screamed at each other, hugged each other. this was what we knew for 4 years. no matter how things are, we're secure in the way to expect things, to know how things run.

Am I ready to step down? No, honestly, no. I'm scared to let go, because I'm scared for the juniors. 7may farewell. I should be stepping down. Miss ong didnt help things when I was talking to her. but who am I to judge her for the lack of faith in them, when I dont have much myself?

To the juniors, it's stepping up that's scary. for us, it's leaving everything that was ever familiar and close to our hearts. no comparison.

9:03 PM

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I never thought it would be possible for a mask to be worn so naturally until today.
I disgust myself.

for the bigger picture.

9:07 PM

Monday, April 19, 2010

I'm tired, hurt, angry, pissed, disappointed.

I'm so tired I wished with all my heart that tomorrow wasnt a tuesday, that there was no el tomorrow, that I wouldnt need to walk into the classroom tomorrow and face them. I had absolutely no idea. was I the only fool that thought everything was really fine?

Why should I have to defend myself when I have done nothing wrong?

was it wrong for me to give and do my best?

I loved el. I loved debate. I loved, I really loved it. I looked forward to tuesdays, fridays. I lived and breathed for the rush on the floor, for the prep before and the togetherness after. I enjoyed competitions, loved to win, but losing never meant defeat for me.

I lived for the next debate, the debate after the next, next next next.

was it wrong for me to trust my juniors as well?

I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you because I saw you as my echo, I saw you as my debater, I saw you through the eyes of other seniors. I thought I could trust my own judgement, I overlooked the little things that you did because I believed that juniors will be juniors and entitled to play around once in awhile. I trusted you, and you betrayed my trust totally. utterly utterly betrayed my trust. why so doublefaced? why say two things entirely? why the lie? did it ever benefit you? how could it, I dont know. I cannot justify your actions in my mind, I cant, I just cant.

I spotted you as the next president, as the person I could safely hand the cca over and think, okay she wont screw this up. but you went behind me. you said one thing to me, and another thing to them, knowing full well the strife between all of us. you played us like puppets on a string, did you not know think that it would spread between us? we were a level, or did you enjoy playing with fire? I spoke to you as I would have to an equal. I never spoke down to any of you, I never took the tone of a senior before. I never. I swear I never ever did.

My own level. why? why a thousand a million times. why those hurtful words, why? how would it ever benefit you? I never went against you. I never ever did. no matter how much I hated the way all of you did things, I always protected all of you infront of the juniors. because you were My exco. I never went against all of you. why is everything my fault?

why why why?

9:34 PM

I dont know how to anymore.

unlocking, because people cant access. and f those who read and think whatever.

I give up

8:40 PM

today's simply awesome.

I hear horrible stuff

I get drenched totally in the rain

I slip and fall while walking, spraining the wrist of my writing hand and hurting my hip

Awesome. just awesome.

I'm so tired I wish I could hide somewhere.

8:25 PM

Sunday, April 18, 2010

haha was surfing through FB's pictures of EYD when something made me randomly started laughing.

Every other sec4 looks glam/cool in their EYD stuff. 4S is the only class who threw our faces by looking totally out of the world.

HAHAHA.

11:24 PM

-deleted-

My bubble just burst. I just realized something. Call me insecure, but yeah I'm pretty sure of my own instincts.

haha it was never a good idea to begin with right?

I really should retreat behind my own line.

4:41 PM

I hate, being, caught, helpless.

urgh, dealing with all these leaves me feeling like punching a hole through the wall.

not like You will care, right.

1:03 AM

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Esther, you're like a breathe of fresh air inside the sordidity of el exco.

the only person I still trust inside EL.

Thank God for you.

we've made it this far. it's only abit more. let's run this last stretch well alright.

10:32 PM

This is the way I am.

I judge base on what I see and observe, and not what others say. the most what others say could affect me, would influence me, would be more cautious with you. & if the person I know is different from the one that is going around, I'd trust my own judgement.

but,

lose my trust once,

I'll doubt every move you make, every word you say.

in this, the world has taught me well.

cynicism doesnt come hard to me.

6:41 PM

3:21 PM

Yesterday night marked the end of the last event that my level would take.

was it hetic? yes it was, with almost everybody else on stage, all the details came to me, and that made for alot of running up down left right.

there wasnt any screwups with lighting or audio, so syah we were okay.

drama on stage was good, the audience, although stupid, responded pretty well.

Mich and Anisha emceed well, nothing there either.

when it all ended, I had an urge to laugh, then an urge to cry.

nicolette fell during banjah and we had to abort dessert plan since it was late when her dad came.

and me and shar almost had to walk all the way home from school.

haha I realized I am in no mood to blog, but I wanted something to read 3 years down the road. the wild exhilaration, running down the stairs as soon as we could, the el banjah, probably the last we would ever do, the cheering, and literally "breaking a leg".

would I miss el? yeah, I would

I need to find a day to cry and grieve for everything properly. el farewell, perhaps.

Rubbosh I hope you are okay what's wrong with you!

3:11 PM

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Happiness comes in many forms.

one of them is shopping with your friends. albeit the only kind of shopping I actually do is when I set out with something in mind, grab and go. but yeah, the company was good, anita decided to join us :) and offered us many interesting comments. some of which had us rolling in laughter and others with me and mirna looking at each other meaningfully and saying, I am not going to comment. HAHA.

Mirna, memories are a gift. am proud of you, for facing the things that would hurt the most, and emerging intact. we'll be okay. all of us. who knows better? table = netting, remember.

oh. I think people who play songs like new divide on the piano are just...speechless. Hello, there are genres in music for a reason.

I Will Do Well For Prelim 1 History Amaths Emaths Chem English SSGeog. A1s for these. Because I finally know that I can, if I work for it.

as for physics and HMT. ahhh, I only want to pass physics :(

9:14 PM

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I was bloghopping, and scanning through pictures, when I scrolled down alex's blog. and the picture that echo took at the quarry jumped out at me.

I dont get scared easily, I dont get shocked easily, and I dont cry easily.

but it jolted me.

it's over now, and there's nothing to be done. and I got to know great people, great leaders. I learnt a great deal, and hopefully, maybe, changed someone's life for the better.

yup, all plus points.

but I didnt finish this journey. and the wound I thought healed bled afresh again.

You'll never know, what that it feels like. You'll never know that pain.

sometimes I'm gripped by sudden terror, that everything was a dream that I'd dreamt up. and I'd wake up any moment now, and still be a camper, with a chance to start allover again.

for the worst nightmares are the ones you live in.

10:21 PM

Noone is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall.

Noone is afraid to play, they're afraid to lose

Noone is afraid of the dark, they're afraid of what's in it.

Noone's afraid to be themselves, they're just scared that they'll be judged

No one is afraid, to say, "I love you", they're afraid of the response.

- from an image I saw.

10:16 PM

Ilovemywednesdays.

somehow they manage to always be the best day of the entire week, for some reason. usually it's table and staying in school till 7pm since it's studyday, but today was good too :) cedar track&field nationals..was hmm, not very awesome actually.

the cheering was NOT awesome at all. I tell you, if we want to, just the few of us can overpower the entire group. excuse me. if you go for nationals, and all you do is sit there and stone and tryyy to act cool, then dont go, dont waste that ticket!

cool isnt stoning and daoing the whole world. cool comes naturally. if you are cool, you are. if you arent, well, acting cool aint gonna make you cool.

Fire drill was hilarious. like some party! Haha, complain and complain and complain. waste my free history period, I was supposed to revise for chem :(

but yeah I feel smarter and smarter doing chem and maths nowadays :) only physics still make me feel entirely useless :(

haha I'm pretty tired now :) There's absolutely no homework and nothing that I need to mug by today for tomorrow. so guess what? I'm going to sleeeep soon :) awesome right :)

10:08 PM

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

no, I'm not as confident as I look.
no, I'm not as strong as I seem to be.

but if the fiasco last year taught me anything, it's that no matter what happens, and no matter who is pushing me down, what I do have, as a natural defense, is pride.

pride refused to let me back down infront of them all, then infront of mp. Pride kept me going when I thought I'd break down. Pride allowed me to lift my chin and walk into the canteen when I knew that half the world hated me. Pride allows me to walk as if nothing is bothering me.

& after all of that, I just dont bother anymore who thinks what of me.

so you know, if you dont want to talk to me, just dont. I'm pretty good at figuring out body language and tones.

It seriously doesnt pay to be nice. I should just be mean huh. I'm good at it, anyway. rawr.

8:56 PM

Monday, April 12, 2010

I love yous are so overrated and overused.

so I guess only the real and sincere ones will touch me.

I miss you are the three hardest words to say, closely followed by, I'm sorry.

I like you carries the connotations of a relationship, bgr type.

& I forgive you, the most gracious.

10:27 PM

It's ART now :)) hahaha,yeah it's in the computer lab, big mistake on the teacher's part. the tables are haha not very conducive for working :)

haha, sometimes I cant stand the way I am, the way we are.

we really ought to stop complaining so much haha, all's well when it's in good cheer and for the fun of it, but hmm.

& some people just plain piss me off when they just cant stop complaining about the most minor and insignificant matters. worst when everyone is facing the same thing and no one is saying anything about it except you who gabble and gabble about it.

& since I'm at it. I dislike conflicts ;( dislike dislike dislike dislike! necessary as it is for relationships to grow. I still cant like it. Priya, Mirna, Archana, a few days are okay, but not too long k? I need my umbrellas and plasters to be intact :) who else could I go to and feel at home? ((:

I like Avril's I will be.

2:43 PM

Sunday, April 11, 2010

RAWR.

I just spent about 1.5 hours on my history homework while panicking about tomorrow's chem test and unfinished homework. no, that's not so bad aint it? except for the fact that there is No History Tomorrow. and my unfinished Emaths homework and chem test are both before recess.

argh.

and I hate it how I understand Everything that is going on in class and able to do the questions set. all until I open my homework, then I have no idea how to start the question.

or.

being able to do part 1a,b,(i), but not (ii). and thereafter is unable to do part c and d.

and I hate how when I cant do the first question.. my mind auto blacksout and refuses to allow me to attempt q2 and 3.

all these, with 198 days to Olevels, and 20+ days to prelim1.

RAWR.

10:15 PM

Thank you Geraldine and Shalom, for all those little notes and presents you gave me, when you knew that I was sad.

Your postcard made me really touched, and I cried in the end.

I know that I can trust in you guys, that you'll be there for me all the way till the end.

To you guys,

I'll be your sun, if you ever need any sunshine to take away your darkness.

because you gave me peace, faith and joy. - alex's blog

Echo 2008, Echo 2009.

Shalom, we havent lost the thing that we had about being able to suan each other any any moment, but be able to answer truthfully to each other's, "what's wrong with you uh"

I remember stage areas + Tulasi. I remember how we counted for sanity within our group. and all the IA-ing. I wasnt involved in it though, but laughing at you was funny enough in itself.

Alexandra Denise Galevz. You better remember that you are never alone, and dont you ever dare to hang your head or avoid us because we crush your bones after almost every mt lesson :) you can do it, and you will make your way through this rubbishly sticky mess that you're in. but if you dont make it out properly, I promise you me and shalom will plot during mt how to throw ___ over the banister :) promise :)

do you remember the heart story you sent me at the start of COALs2009? yes, a heart that is born never dies. and the heart that we have inbetween us is too carefully protected and cherished to even be scratched :)

you're never walking this path alone :) remember that.

7:10 PM

I remember the days we spent together.

& all those things you said that night.

today felt like yesterdays. unspoken coordination, able to read each other's actions and gestures. it felt peaceful walking beside you behind all the kids. it felt comforting to work in tandem with you at the bbq pit.

when we'd share from a cup or "book" something that we both wanted to eat.

"Is this cooked ah?"

feeds to me, then look at me for confirmation.

wordlessly handing me drinks and stealing my drink.

it felt too familiar. felt too much like the past.

it warmed and chilled me both at the same time.

tomorrow, this magic spell would break. but the you tonight was the one I almost fell in love with.

I need to rationalise this properly. and make the right decision, because I'm a coward, and I darent follow my heart and where it may lead me to.

12:02 AM

Saturday, April 10, 2010

went for speech day today.

and we have a date, right, table? next year, this time. all of us are going to come back, all dressed in ccus.

that's a date. :)

4:21 PM

Friday, April 9, 2010

just because. just because.

My dear sec3 juniors.

I dont like to scold all of you, because right now, at this point of time, all of you should be ready enough to do this kind of things without us having to mollycoddle all of you. somehow, I think that you guys reflect us. and that scares me. I dont want to see history repeat itself. I never ever want to look back and tell myself, this is my fault.

I hope what I said today got into your heads. I was too tired to scold, I just spoke. I hope I caught your attention, I hope I made you guys think. I hope that you guys will really try, and put in your best. I hope that all of you, will make el greater and stronger. and when the time comes, you'll have the wisdom to do what's right and best for the cca.

I'm tired of fighting.

you lean on me, and expect me to always be there, and always be strong. but do you know, i've seem to forgotten how to be strong. I've forgotten how to cry, because I cant seem to cry it out. It's anger, boiling hot, it's disappointment, a heavy stone. it's hope that's shattered, and dreams that will never come true.

who can I lean on, when I want to sit there and just cry it all out?

because it truly hurts, and I'm truly tired.

-

I feel so fake. for laughing when inside is hard and in pieces. when the inside is sighing and crying, the outside is still calm. when inside is boiling, I'm still cold outside.

I feel so fake. but laughter is such an easy mask to put on.

10:40 PM

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Look me in the eye.

I've always believed that it's possible to see someone's heart through the eyes.

I wont ever let you see me crumble. nope, I'm no longer 12. I've grown up. not the geraldine you once knew. ridiculously reckless, ridiculously bold, ridiculously idealistic. I've shed those rose colored glasses, along with the heart that trusted everything.

not that it doesnt matter you see. but I cant start crying, just because I'll never stop.

I'm stronger than I ever was.

8:31 PM

and at the end of the day, these are what your promises come to. naught.

school was basically divided into 3 components. one, before recess. two, after recess. three, after school hours

one. was dull. like. horribly dull.

two. was....annoying. I was annoyed almost all the way from after recess till...school ended? poor mirna, sitting with two people who plugged in and refused to even talk or look at her. :) she threw a mini RAWR fit, but we both just looked over and ignored her totally :) amusing, looking back. but yeah at that point of time I could have killed someone barehandedly.

three. was amusing. extremely high I dont know why, it's something about maths I swear :) and mrs chew is the greatest form teacher to exist, everrrr :) HAHA, me & mirna were bouncing around the classroom and throwing things at each other and cursing and talking like we own the place (which we about did since about 3/4 of the class went off for vball match) then Shalom and Priya joined the fray :) Awesome :)

then haha I semicrashed sec3 study date ;) haha, watching aqilah search was extremely amusing :) they kept making me laugh. and it made me realize something, all over again.

I keep asking myself what am I fighting for. and I think I've found the answer :) doesnt matter what they do and how they do it. I'm fighting for el to be a better place to be, and in effect, for the sec3s. I may not leave the impression of zai, or even make a huge impact of them. but no matter what anybody says, or think I'd have known that I tried.

and that's all that's going to matter.

and I'll hold on, see this to the very end, the same way I once did as an instructor.

7:46 PM

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I'm feeling, angsty, annoyed, pissed, furstrated. wow, great array of moods.

I hate. abhor. detest. people. who. make. my. friends. upset.

especially when it is for a perfectly ridiculous reason to get upset over, then make my friend upset over you being upset. upset is a mild word to use for tears and heartaches. If I could, I would go up to you, and give you a good shaking. because you, deserve it. only she can put up with you.

I dont care, if you are sec4. and think that there is no point to go for cca. or think that favouritism is the way to go. what is the point of cca? you dared to say this.

I could ask you back, what was the point of making you president then? what have you done for EL? because the fact is, you have done nothing.

what have become of our dreams? nothing. nothing. hopes and dreams were luxuries we couldnt afford right from the start. I'll fight to put people who can do it up there. one year is enough. you wont spin or play me. I'm game for you, now.

we were once the greatest level el has seen in years. turns out, we're just like them afterall.

I'm so tired of fighting, because there seems to be no point in it at all. I dont know what I am fighting for, and that makes me tired. I am so tired. so so so tired. I'm tired of it all.

and you. why call me to question what I have done as captain? why me? of all people. I'm no longer the junior you once knew. I thought the betrayal was complete when I found out what you did last year. but the surprise continues to spring. from the juniors, from others, and this.

I stood by you and defended you against my own level. I was there for you, always. I never ever left your side even though time and again you stabbed me in the back. I dismissed it as your character, that you didnt mean it. I took your excuses and justified it to myself, time and again. is this your legacy? to spring rude surprises on me when I least expect it?

you once declared me your favourite junior. you called me your friend. you know how that hurt, when you called today? you were never there for me, yet you called and scolded me. you dont even know what happened.

I can hold my head up high and look you in the eye. I have done nothing but my best for debate. I didnt let oal get in my way, I didnt let studies get in my way. I never shunned my duty. I loved debate, the act of it.

I can look el in the eye and said, I did what I could. despite it all. I did it. and I wouldnt shed a tear when I look back. I wont regret my four years.

anger is a good cover for everything. but at the end of the day, we're all just wounded bears fighting to get out of the cages we have.

8:48 PM

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

what do I want?

all I ever needed,

was someone I could turn to at the end of a long day, or at any moment. and know that I wouldnt have to justify why I did what I did, or what I am feeling. or feel like I'm disturbing, even.

was for someone to understand what I was truly feeling without me having to open my mouth. who wouldnt read my stoning look as angry, and be able to tell if I were really happy, or just hiding behind my mask again.

who would know when I need the space to just be alone with myself, to give me the silence that I need, when I need it.

who wouldnt judge what I say, or what I do.

who wouldnt lie to me. and never need me to second guess the words, to think through.

who would know, that holding my hand gently is more effective than wresting anything from me.

just, someone to lean on, and just let go.

"it's gone sour, where all the good things go."

9:56 PM

Monday, April 5, 2010

priya - says (11:39 PM):

G, this is for you

its from the same song i took for ____

"You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me"

orange for echo2008. we've come a long way huh.

11:40 PM

Sunday, April 4, 2010

blue skies and cotton clouds

night skies and twinkling stars

overcast skies and the power of an incoming storm

cloudy skies and the mist of rain

the leaves that drop

the flowers that bloom

the green that stands out

the water that ripples

the waves that laps

the trees that stand, so proud, so tall, so strong.

the wind that soothes

where are you, the one who taught me how to stop and look at all these?

10:26 PM

Geraldine says:

HAHA

okay I hold you up to it

I hpe you are doing okay at hwachong

and when you come back

you BETTER hug me I tell you!

JOLENE ; says:

I WILL (:

I NEED IT TOO I SWEAR

Geraldine says:

hahaha OKAY

JOLENE ; says:

SO NOT HAPPY HERE ))):

Geraldine says:

30seconds hug

JOLENE ; says:

haha okay!

Geraldine says:

okay shoo! before mr goh kills me!

JOLENE ; says:

haha bye dear!

Geraldine says:

(:!

JOLENE ; says:

LOVEYOU ALWS!

Geraldine says:

(ps I miss debating with you ;()

JOLENE ; says:

i miss u tooooooo ))))))))))))))))))))))):

I miss my seniors :(

(especially you :( because at the end, I doubted everything that we ever had )

8:48 PM

"falling."

met with silence.

If I reach out my hand for yours, will you hold it?

I already know the answer, dont I?

7:28 PM

I was sure by now, that you would have reached out

and wiped my tears away

stepped in to save the day.

once again, I say amen,

and it's still raining.

as the thunder roars, I barely hear, you whisper through the rain,

I'm with you.

as your mercy falls,

I raise my hands to praise the god who gives,

and takes away.

I'll praise you in this storm

Today's easter sunday. but similar to the night on good friday, I dont feel anything much today.

the sermon touched a part of me, the debater. he answered questions I've asked myself, wait, not so much of answer them, as to, divert my attention to what he claims are more pressing issues.

I'm still thinking. still unsure of my faith, but I hope to be.

because when I am, I'll be able to answer questions that the others have. I refuse to believe that I am one of a kind asking these kind of questions, just perhaps others dont ask them out loud, because it sounds like challenging authority.

on the other hand,

I'm getting pretty used to being alone, and I enjoy my sundays. because I purposely walk for six busstops through the park to get to the bus, and I'm truly alone with myself.

maybe I may never find peace again this entire week, but I'll treasure that spark of alone I get once a week.

I'm still walking through the storm that's school, but I have umbrellas that help to break the impact, and I'll make it through.

5:45 PM

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I'm scared of letting people matter too much,

because I'm scared they'll leave me.

but when I allow you to matter to me,

and you start to distant,

I'll leave first.

that's just me.

table dont break apart please,

because you guys have become one of my constants in cedar

you guys make me happy,

and I feel free amongst all of you, no matter who is there.

and I wont know how to walk away.

but I dont know how I will stand going through the turmoils once more.

9:23 PM

Friday, April 2, 2010

not that my juniors should ever see this, but I secretly think they are funny and really amusing! hahaha, planning for farewell so obviously uh! cross fingers I'm the only one who saw ;)

on the other hand..

making snap decisions are supposed to be what I am good at, but I really cant decide. because a wrong decision was made last year and we are suffering for it now. and I dont want to leave the same "gift" for them when I leave.

even if I dont miss anything, I'll miss the floor.

my best then, for the last month. nothing less than that. it's the last stretch, anyhow.

and if I will do anything for them, I'll make sure the sec1s know that there is a sec3 line that cannot be crossed. my final contribution, if any.

6:24 PM

decided to change for abit. locked posts are still back at lj, intention is for this not to spread.

5:46 PM