& just look up

Monday, May 31, 2010

everyone deserves to dream

"if I could reach up, and hold a star for everytime you've made me smile,

the entire sky will be mine"

now I know why the sky is never attainable.

but I could still dream.

10:52 PM

Kitchenoutingggg, awesome (:

dept dept is gr8 :) we have a new found kitchen bimbo, dang dang. hehe, and an ahpek too! haji lane shopping, god, 3 hours, then frozenyoghurt for 1hour. goshhhh :)

they baked me cupcakes for my birthday, both were late and HAHA I didnt realize that it was a ploy! but awwww :) sam's first attempt at baking, somemore got icing and decorated box and everything ((:

kitchen department coals 2009 is awesome :)

there wasnt a single silent moment at all. :)

10:35 PM

Sunday, May 30, 2010

head over heart.

geraldine, rule of the thumb.

the only way to keep yourself safe

6:21 PM

today, no biblestudy. but I refused to go home, because going home meant doing my maths paper(which happens to be due tomorrow, oops).

so I went shopping, alone. I settled my juniors presents. there's paper market at plaza sing now and whoo ((((:

I love me time. (:

today's sermon wasnt awesome, but it was pretty alright. because I think we are all ultimately sociopaths who hallucinate. so yup, wth. :)

people use the words bipolar wayyyy too loosely. you dont know what it actually is like. but ohwellz.

I think I'm typing in rather disjointed sentences of no coherence, but I dont really care.

I actually want to debate, hm.

I think I think too much. I should learn how to find the off button switch to my thoughts.

bubblebubblebubble where did you go?

well at least there are study dates to look forward to, & Sentosa with table, or at least the half of us who willllllll go :) :)

I DONT CARE. SENTOSA WILL NOT BE POSTPONABLE. NO AFTER PRELIMS2 RUBBISH :)

5:59 PM

this so doesnt feel like the holidays.

5:45 PM

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I need to debate.

you werent okay last night. why say otherwise?

2:57 PM

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I am in an emo bubble.

and for once research is not calming me down.

10:13 PM

does it matter? do I matter?

we are not afraid of trying, just of failing.

we are not afraid to fight, just afraid to fall.

June holidays. wait. what holidays?

mug g, mug.

JC talks was rawr.

NJC, 5 points, Shooting.

I can.

10:00 PM

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

whispher: I miss you quite terribly.

too many things that remind me of you inside school. too many things, too many memories.

you sat there and swallowed tears, because you refused to cry in school.

I learnt courage and strength watching you.

but where are you now?

11:12 AM

after prelim1s is great. it's been a long long time since I just followed my urge to go out and cycle for 3 hours and not feel guilty not studying.

I actually think I'm going insane because I was showering and trying to plan the rest of my night in terms of study mode. and that is not normal. at all.

1/3 over. when finally Os go away I tell you I'll be the happiest kid alive in this wide wide world :)

11:09 AM

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

yesterday marked the end of prelims, for the history students as well as about the rest of the level, and today for the lit students as well :)

this entire fiasco of a prelim could be pretty nicely summed up in two words: anyhow hamptum.

seriously :) HAHA. every paper also you hear people saying anyhow already lah dont care :) actually I think all of us care, just that we've sort of despaired? pretty interesting actually, but then again, dont all of us live in a mad mad world?

ppmac-ed, then spiderwebbed. hahaha, spiderweb was awesomely lazy. then again, we havent been there more than 10 times doing nothing but play since we entered sec4s. actually? we havent been at pp macs more than 10 times sice we entered sec4. rawr. see, no lifers. :(

rawrrrrr :))

12:55 PM

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I'm gonna get my iphone soon :) Awesome.

but one thing :( I cant transfer my smses :( rawr.

9:16 PM

I think I'm such a baby sometimes. little little things makes me damn happy :D

me fixed lunch for meself today. I dug into the sparse and poorly stocked fridge for already cooked food and found all kind of raw materials. so me popped tomyum soup cube into the boiling water, heated up over night rice and fried an egg and two sausages :D

the rice was abit hard, the eggyolk broke, the sausage was abit burnt the tomyum soup was too diluted.

but I'm still a happy kid :)

I'd be happier still if tomorrow got no paper :( but wth, one more day!

1:35 PM

Friday, May 21, 2010

mirna, I wasnt pissed. my heart just sank, and I had an urge to just bury my head in my arms. not to cry, just for the simple comfort in it.

I want to curl up and not move for awhile. maybe not moving will make it better.

gotta keep moving. gotta keep moving.

one word.

~~hope~~

9:58 PM

Thursday, May 20, 2010

shoot me, I gave up studying for amaths already :) tomorrow then chiong again, rawr.

I really love history. alot alot alot alot alot alot. but when it comes to essays lah, dont know what lah, seriously ah, push my like for it only!

anyway, typical typical conversation; off facebook.

Mirna's facebook status: they're trying to recreate iceage in the hall.

(background knowledge: school only allows black and school jackets, mirna's jacket is dark green and she refuses to borrow any junior's jacket. & I swear the aircon is at -2 degrees or something. not conducive when you are trying to write essays.)

I commented: HAHA that is for being stupidly stubborn and refusing to get a jacket. I see how your hand drop off after one of the papers. I'll say " I TOLD YOU SO!"

(background knowledge: her fingernails actually turned blue after one of the papers.)

Mirna: not my fault my jacket is not acceptable! wont drop off all lahh so drama for what.

Mirna: ANW HOPE YOU ARE HAVING FUN IN SCHOOL!

(background knowledge: she ponned school grr)

Priya: omg mirna. what in the world, damn unfair you pon school arh! then still can come on fb all! haha, and you better get a jacket! i'm on geraldine's side for this!! i will say "GERALDINE TOLD YOU SO!"

Mirna: WTH FINE ALL GANG UP ON ME! i never ponn okayyy. i just decided to taken an early weekend. i not only fb k. i msn all.

Conclusion: the only place this kind of conversation could actually even take place? table. Whereelse can you find people talking over people's heads and WHAT WHAT YOU SAY JUST NOW when something interesting gets heard.

HAHA.

(secretly? I have awesome friends. but it's a secret. seriously!!)

therefore I will openly deny it if anyone says anything :)

HEHE.

9:49 PM

You are passionate, sassy, and downright fiery. You are a total go-getter. You go at everything full force. At work, you are serious and intense. At play, you are the life of the party. You are the brightest bulb in the room. People find you inspiring, and you always know how to lead. You are a super star, but sometimes you burn too brightly. Cool off a little. Find some balance before you burn out.

super star?

7:49 PM

I wish we could press restart and do this all over again.

so what if I can see, so what if I can know that bad things are gonna happen before they happen and so what if I ocassionally dream what happens in the future?

the thing is I cant dream the most important thing.

the stupid test paper for tomorrow.

rawr.

6:57 PM

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

it's really, grr, like how no matter how well you know your stuff, you are not going to do well for prelims.

cedar's prelims, gr. to think I actually could do the past year prelims paper and was so pleased with myeslf.

half way into the emaths paper I actually had an urge to stand up crush the paper and leave the hall. and I developed a migraine and stiff neck after I put down my paper 1 and started the paper2. great.

and chem. grr. I was trying to expel things I didnt need from my brain to actually answer the question. haber process conditions are definitely not 200degress and nickel catalyst. grr. and writing equations. I am going to master it before prelim2. Must. how can I lose all my marks just because I cant write the first equation?

whatever.

therapy after that was good though. laughter cured my migraine, which was really pounding. we sat where the foyer met the courtyard and ate icecream, laughed in the library, flipped yearbooks, flipped polyguide, exclaim to the entire library that we are going to poly/ite, flip career guidance, get bullied by juniors (:

in a word? Awesome :)

how to leave cedar like that you tell me.

I realized. that I missed out on alot of fun moments with my juniors just because when I was still in the cca I played the bad strict senior. haha, kinda sad, aint it.

8:45 PM

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

take me away, to a secret place

take me away, to better days.

because these days arent easy like that have been once before.

why do you do this to me?

it makes me that much stronger

makes me work a little bit harder

makes me that much wiser

thanks for making me a fighter

love can be so boring

nothing's quite the same now

but it's not so bad,

you're only the best I've ever had

I still want to lie down where the clouds gather, and count the stars.

I still do want to.

10:26 PM

Because I'd fix what matters.

read my personality according to the book of birthdays. pretty accurate.

strong, stubborn.
rebels who have a respect for values,
ability to meld the diverse sides of their personality,
unemotional and detached,
overly rational,
quick in mind and quick to respond,
cherish and guard their independence,
strange mix of caring concern and cool detachment,
when attached to a cause, completely driven to it to the point of exhausation, making those around them worry

I just wanted to remember it, a few years down the road.

I am too tired to think about it. I am too tired to pick up broken pieces and try to put them together all over again.

today we gave up studying at 5.30 and laid down at the fitness corner to look at the sky. I like the power of the overcast clouds, as well as the blue patches of hope. I like my seat next to the window on the fourth flour, because it seems that I can reach out and touch the sky and the three that grows next to me. we saw silver linings, blue patches that stand out in the middle of overcast clouds.

I think we are the only people around school who lie down everywhere, in the courtyard lah, in the fitness corner, at the tracks, in the canteen. everywhere, in a word.

sigh.

rubbosh, (:

7:36 PM

Monday, May 17, 2010

my challenge to myself from tomorrow.

I will treat her as a friend.

sigh,

treat it like it's honing my patience.

cause she is human, with feelings too. and nothing, gives me the right to hurt her feelings.

Tolerance.

9:28 PM

at sec4, it isnt that everything becomes ok. it's just, that everyone is just too tired to fix things, because there simply is no point. so we do what seems to be impossible, and we bury the past, and we hide and put away things that makes us unhappy.

is this happiness? if it is, I guess I'm happy now.

at times I wonder who there is left to fully, simply, trust. to put everything inside into that person's hands and trust that that person knows how to treat it with care, and respect. to never, need to wonder if that trust will ever betrayed.

and so it's true, what they say. that as you grow older, it just gets harder.

hey E if I saw you now I would tell you I miss that simple comfort talking to you was. she reminds me of you, E. very much the same, but very much different. it struck me from the start. but she's her and you're you, ultimately.

debating;

anger & passion has always been my fuel.

9:15 PM

Sunday, May 16, 2010

y'know.

I've come to realize that everything on the outside was meant to help protect the inside. some people fight, and some people run, and others just stand there and take it.

& sometimes I really wonder, what I am to the people around me. to those I care about. do you care about me the way I care about you? do I care about the people who care about me?

my parents about stamped their feets and laid down the rule for me to stop attending debate when they found out I did step down, already.

y'know. I look really arrogant and confident. but if the inside was half as strong as the outside I swear I'd be super human.

I need to enter my happy bubble.

tomorrow no round table arrangement and a swap in tablepartners. no I shouldnt be selfish and make others unhappy by disagreeing. but wtf I really dont want Her next to me. rawr.

8:01 PM

yesterday I was awesomely pissed 3/4 way through the debates. honestly I dont think cedar did well, but yeah that's why it's called a first try. saranya exceeded all expectations though :)

I remember my first competition too :)

and yeah, you know what? I dont need you to love me or respect me or whatever. at the end of the day what you think of me doesnt matter much. If I want anything from you, I want You to fear me. dont you dare make trouble for my sec3s I'll really be the first one to go after your neck. I'm just waiting for that day to come. do us all a favor and do it faster. so all of us get to hunt you down.

& I realized that sweet quotes are only sweet when people you know matters to you say it.

3:51 PM

Friday, May 14, 2010

I miss debating alongside you alot

you were one of the few people I could whine to before a debate on the floor

and panic with me the night before.

there's almost nothing I wouldnt do to do that all over again.

cracking my head thinking of the second opp's case after sifting through word vomit like chunks of rubbish nonsense

11:29 PM

today is one of those stone days.

Jiahui came back during recess. grr her, forget my letter only!

after school, debate was great :)

nothing to say.

but if you ask me if I love you,
I'd lie.

Mirna, rawr :( I need table therapy :(

8:59 PM

Thursday, May 13, 2010

imagine if your parents call you one day and you start singing telephone to them.

I would be grounded for 5 years at least. HAHA

10:38 PM

noone in the house seems to understand the meaning of "Dont talk to me"

and I explicitly said it out.

even my friends know better than to talk to me when I am in one of my moods, arent you supposed to be my parents?

I wonder how "scary" I look if my parents continue gabling and my brother continues to try to annoy the hell out of me when I am pretty sure I look like a thundercloud at the moment.

& my mp4 is another stupid creature. plays all the wrong songs at the wrong moments.

I need to get out of this horrible bubble and go back into my happy one. Now. :(

I dont know why I am in such a mood.

9:07 PM

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

and know the stars are holding you, holding you tonight.

there are no stars tonight :(

B. can we just take things as they are? dont ask too much of me I dont have anything in me to give anymore.

dont protect me. I have never dealt well being shielded. let me. you say I am like a tiger. the tiger needs to have her own space to roar, to find her own way. dont enclose me in a cage because no matter how well you tend me I am never going to be happy that way.

B, let me do this myself.

Lessons in school are just, omgosh. haha I feel like I've been put on some speed bullet train that is flying. true then time and tide is a faithless lover, they'll always keep running and we'll just have to catch up the best we can.

Rubboosh, fyi that is a sticker! haha in case the one not as smart as me didnt figure it out. haha, sorry got two words no space (: oops.

I am tired.

9:15 PM

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I miss you alot. alot. today when we spent el time, I was thinking of you. I miss you, I really really really. everytime I see gigi I think of you, everytime I

how many times have I wanted to put gigi away with the other softtoys into my drawer. but I can never to, can never manage to. so I put it on my study table, and I feel happy, and sad at the same time when I look at it.

I miss you. I'm sorry I pushed you away.

7:50 PM

Monday, May 10, 2010

Rubbosh:
no you are not useless, and no you are not weak.
it's okay to cry, it's okay.

pick yourself up. I'll hold your hand if ever you need me to.

strong, rubbosh. rubbosh silly flower star. you have to be. there is no other option, I'm not offering you one.

I'd give you the stars just to see you happy again.

10:39 PM

Sunday, May 9, 2010

yknow it never hits as hard as when I let my guard down.

children's ministry, our territory. always us. the group of us, and you were always beside me.

funny how we work seamlessly when we work, how there is almost no need for me to signal as a worship leader, because you know what I'm doing.

but off the stage we revert to being just, strangers.

why do you bother to sit across the room and look at me if you cant even meet my eye when we talk?

watching you with the kids are like salt on a wound.

sitting beside me for meals. how could you sit there and pretend like it's normal?

do you remember children's camp? inseperable. the kids asked if we were a couple. I should have watched your reaction then, right? sorry I didnt notice, sorry I didnt realize. my no must have hurt you. I'm sorry H, I'm really sorry.

do you know how hard it is to watch the younger girls constantly gush over you? the gap inbetween the two of us, I dont know how to fill. because I know you better than any of them could. and I'll still know. your dreams, your flaws, and what you are good at. I know it all.

for you, I'd go back to the past and straighten all this all over again. my fault, me bad, that we're like that.

I'm too used to stealing your food, leaning against you and having you offer weird things like hugs when I say I'm cold. I miss using your jacket because it smells too much like you. walking me back to my room when it's but 4 doors away.

argh. what's the point. I miss the one I know.

walk barefooted once again along the beach for the sunrise, just the two of us. just another memory, right.

8:56 PM

Saturday, May 8, 2010

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know,

you know, you know

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all

I'd give for us

Give anything but I won't give up

'Cause you know,

you know, you know

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

we sang this for the juniors. and although it was a last minute decision to perform, and to sing this song, and we only learnt it on the actual day. but this describes perfectly, everything.

debate, el, has been one of the most constant constants in my entire journey as a cedarian. and as this draws to a close, it'll be one of the things I miss most. because debate kept me sane. I live for the next debate, I live for debating in cedar. when things were rock bottom, debate was one place where I knew what I was doing. how will I survive without debating? the high, the feeling only debate could give.

debate captain, I will never regret.

el, I love you, I've loved you all along.

it'd have been much easier to not care. but I could never manage to.

the juniors touched a chord inside me. from the sec1s song, to the sec2s imitation, to the sec3s songs. it wasnt perfect, the performances. it was watching them perform and cry, and know that we mean something to them.

thank you juniors, for letting me walk out of the room, feeling like I've not wasted an entire term as exco.

sec4s, when we sat in the classroom singing the song one last time before we went up, I cried. because I know that we will never ever once again sit down as a level and plan stuff. because no matter how screwed up we were, we were always, always the best planners.

I've never given up on any of you, any of us, anyone. I gave it all, I gave for us. I'll do it all over again if I could. the heartbreak, the tears, the pain, the furstration, the accomplishment.

I'll always be proud to call myself one of you.

12:24 PM

Thursday, May 6, 2010

oh, school days can just be hilarious. :)

today me and mirna walked from school via pp way to pp mrt in 5mins 30seconds. just the two of us, both plugged in, just walking. haha, see how fast we walk?

mrs chew " see my mental faster than your calculator!"

lee "duh you practise for 20 years already what!"

and many many more other moments :)

amaths mock is making me very insecure. I cant do maths without answer sheets!!

10:48 PM

why do people say things that they dont mean, then apologise for it? is there a point then?

I dont want people around me who mean to me, to ever ever doubt that they mean anything to me.

E, I've been thinking about you recently. and on the eve of my own farewell, it's surprising how I keep thinking of the past. I miss the times we had together. really. I really do :( I miss you alot. alot alot alot.

Do I make you proud?

I miss Mrs RW too. one of the few teachers who actually really loved me.

ah.

9:17 PM

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I want bubbles, balloons and stars.
Now. :(

8:37 PM

Today, is the sec3's el appraisal.

I dislike politically correct answers, and fakeness. I'm okay with people being power hungry, people having an attitude. actually, I think if you are a leader with no attitude, you arent much of a leader. and anyway, the current el exco..we have an attitude. non-deniable. but faked politcally correct answers just disgust me. god, we have brains and eyes.

today watching them talk to the rest of el it really struck me that I am really stepping down. as we discuss who best to give what leadership role too, I was sad. my turn to step down :( it's really, my turn to step down :( on one hand I cant wait to study all the way, on the other hand..debate has been so much a part of my life. :(

ooh. today was the start prelim1s. and I smartly thought that it was english paper, when it was chinese. mad dash to borrow a chinese dictionary, and even got suanned by my chinese teacher. I think it was deserved though :( haha, and geog paper was a pretty bad try too :( my hand cramped from writing.

and I need to open my eyes and read my questions properlyyy I tell you :(( sigh.

I havent study SS yet /:

haha, I read rubbosh's letter before my second paper. and a part during my second paper, I thought of the letter and started smiling to myself. HAHA I was so amused!

oh god I think I whined so much today everyone wanted to kill me :) HEHE

7:53 PM

Monday, May 3, 2010

All my hamsters do is eat and sleep.

why cant I be a hamster?

I'd be a pretty cool hamster actually.

maybe I could be a rawring hamster.

btw, the sec3s this year mug so much they scare Me. and I'm a sec4. omg. they should just take the Os first.. I really dont mind :)

8:21 PM

Sunday, May 2, 2010

you know,

I once read somewhere, that in order to force a baby bird to spread her wings and fly, the mother bird will push the baby bird out of the nest.

I feel like a mother bird pushing my juniors out of their comfort zone and not caring whether they die or not, with stepping down.

I'm stepping down soon. and knowing myself, I cannot walk back into the cca room no matter how much I want to. simply because of my character. if I walk in I wont be able to just step aside.

more to the point that I understand that the new exco, debate captain needs to establish their authority within the cca, and that is not going to be helped if we seniors constantly walk in and challenge their decisions.

even though 7may, is farewell. I'll still be around a fair bit coz of Y14. and hmm. I dont know what to think of that, truth be told.

I watch other ccas, where the sec4s step down. and I see the juniors, not very sure of what to do, how to handle things. making decisions which in our eyes, seem, oddly silly, and just shows inexperience. and I worry for my very sheltered juniors.

For even though we've thrown stuff at them for them to learn and pick up, I sometimes wonder how much they actually..learnt? I dont know. & talking to miss ong, really doesnt help at all. :( I wish I could stay too, but I have my Os to worry about:(

my seniors must have either trusted us alot, or couldnt be much bothered about the welfare of the cca to throw it at us and leave.

but I dont think I could accomplish that.

grr argh rawr. sigh.

11:27 PM

the stars lean down to kiss you,

I feel happy when I stand somewhere and look up at the sky.

morning, night.

clouds, thunderstorms, stars.

it's a pity one can never photograph stars.

ask me for what I want, I'll say stars. always. always.

it occurred to me today,

that I'll look at packet milo and think of cedar's canteen

think of macs breakfast = pp macs + mirna, archu.

how to graduate like that :(

9:16 PM

it's true then, what people say.

it's up to you to find happiness on the saddest days.

5:19 PM

Saturday, May 1, 2010

you taught me how to doubt, and table, alex, they taught me what friends were.

but the wounds from last year are still there.

I fully trust only a handful of people. and it takes me a long time of observation, and a great leap of faith, to trust one person from scratch.

dont betray my trust. you'll be hardpressed to get it back.

8:02 PM

checklist.

almost there :)
different types of forests, and singapore's strategies to managing globalization :)
then memorizers.

I think I have rather sweet juniors. rubbosh isnt counted for this post. :) but yeah my debate juniors are rather sweet, at odd moments :) it makes me smile, and makes all the times I have to cram after debate really worth it.

((:

3:48 PM

yesterday was awesome :)

el sec4s had a mass walking session during crosscountry. awesome I tell you, we literally walked all the way, bullied juniors into picking up rubbish, stop in the middle of the route to take photos and throw all our faces everywhere :) nevertheless, it was fun.

"eh, ask the np girl take photo for us"

"okay okay."

-asked- np girl says okay :)

esther: " EH SHE CAN MOVE ONE AH?"

HAHAHA.

not forgetting posing for every single camera person along the route, nanthini falling last 100m, "who run who die!" then chionging together to get the same timing for the end.

el isnt love, but we can be a pretty awesome bunch of craziness.

changi airport pigging. hilarious. swesens is love. and eating with people with no table manners can be quite amusing. :) as long as no one shirt says cedar :) studying, sitting on the floor acting like beggars, some taoist guy came to talk to me, raha and mirna, HAHA, one christian, muslim and tamil kid :) amusing, we laughed so hard afterwards :) tummy ache :)

then the rest left, only me and mirna left. and what did we do? we went to yakun and ate again. I swear, pandis to the max!

night time concert with churchies. haha, xf's band is pretty good, but the students are...beyond rude. to think I ever complained about cedar's concert ettiquette. they have none whatsoever. taking pictures, talking at the top of their lungs, literally screaming. I realized that people with no manners irritate me. haha.

yesterday was pretty good :)

you didnt think I'd let it pass right? I'd have gone to her, because I trust her more than I trust you. first you try to wedge something between me and badi, knowing that I would forever alienate myself from the OAL board not for esther and her "bullshit", and running off to badi. and now, her? you know I'd doubt what they'd say because I know they would protect me. but. still?

what on earth are you trying to play at?

11:25 AM