& just look up

Fever throughout the entire night. haha. I hate being sick it is so annoying;

but everytime I fall ill, I think my mummy is the greatest thing on earth. she'll wake up at all manners of hours just to see if I am alright and feed me medication and just fuss over me.

I went to school in the afternoon after seeing the doctor :)

it was...school :)

9:37 PM

Te Amo is such a hauntingly beautiful song.

" I saw it in her eyes. without asking why. I said Te Amo, would someone tell me what she said, dont it mean I love you. I think it means I love you."

" I start to leave. She's begging me and asking why it is over. then she says Te Amo, then she put her hand around my waist. I told her no."

" she cried, Te Amo"

yes rihanna, it means I love you.

9:50 PM

I swear today is a gang up and torture geraldine day for my friends.

First. alex fights with me over chip/dale I dont know which one is which till now. and then I crash spine first into the round table seats. ohgod HAHA. pain know! Yes alex you are NOT forgiven till I get my letter :)

Then. being the nice person I am I get up and throw rubbish away. and what do table assholes do? hide my phone and made me whine and run back and forth from the dustbin searching for my phone.

FUNNY RIGHT.

HAHA, but I still love my friends. assholes that they are!!

:) on a side note I am dead tired and feeling pretty miserableeeeee, coz I caught the flu bug. ouch my throat pain, my head hurts and my back is in horrible condition.

integrationnnnnnnn.

9:21 PM

Forget it. You know what.

I am going to stop it all. if you want to talk to me, you know how and where you can find me.

I am tired of playing guess what is on your mind. you tell me, or I dont guess.

yes you matter. and yes I love you, not in that way, but it's love all the same. but you push it, and I am not a patient person.

I give you what I can. next step's yours.

the ball's in your court now.

9:25 PM

I deserve the right to swear my head off once in awhile. so yeah, dont comment on the Fs. I may grind your head off.

you know what, I'd have done all these a year, two years back. I was this reckless.

I dont swear often. but times like these, and other moments justify using certain obscenities to express myself.

Fuck. I want to call you and hear your voice and ask if you are okay and just, talk. Fuck I just want to hear your voice and see you smile. that's All. Fuck it.

and Fuck I dont want to be a sec4. Honestly. graduation? how do I let go of all of these? I dont know how.

and how the Fucking hell am I supposed to know if you are pushing me away or what. I dont know, because you, you are just not being right. am I being oversensitive? AM I?

and Fuck I want to go out and cycle and continue the routine during the holidays. not come home at 10 at night not showered with things to study and do.

Fuck.

alright. resume normal no swearing self.

9:15 PM

I get quite amused with the younger girl's crushes on older guys in church. since what is older to them are guys my age, it's really quite amusing to see their eyes flash and I dont know see them jealous when hahaha, we talk to them.

thing is, we know them too well to HAHA do all these rubbish. it's really quite funny when they start whisphering when people walk next to each other lah, shake hands in greeting, even the occassional hugs.

still today, someone came up to me and asked me to watch a younger girl. then she went over and casually rested her arm on the guy's shoulder and talked. casual, you know, friend talk.

HAHA if looks could kill :)) HAHAHAHA

5:53 PM

on one hand, I cant wait to get back to school and see stupid table at the table. on the other hand though, I think I finally figured out how people on death role partially feel? with the clock ticking above my head.

I remember the days we spent together.

in a sighing type of mood.

5:32 PM

haha, I think I am a semi-sucker for romance.

Semi only okay. overload is still overload.

"when he's in love with you, the only thing he wants is your heart"

how true. applies for every type of relationships, I guess.

you only want to know if you matter to that person, the way that person matters to you.

-

I want a polariod camera.

tomorrow's tomorrow school reopens. how did the month pass so fast? it's june. 15 weeks to Os.

when I leave cedar;

will anyone miss me the way I miss my seniors?

nah I guess. haha

I'm randomly typing my thoughts. no coherence whatsoever.

magnum gold's ad. HAHA, "you couldnt wait for one more day."

-

starting monday I am going to bring my camera to school everyday. Every single day.

and so the show starts again. idyllic life is so relaxing. I am going to indulge in a life after that after Os. for at least a week or so! or something.

5:34 PM

ohgod. I'd dare wager, that if I attached a bullshit meter to you when you are talking. the ratings will go whoosh. -inserts hand actions-

I dont need to have an inbuilt bullshit detector to know you are sprouting rubbish all over.

2:45 PM

Teach me how to say goodbye.

10:37 PM

I am being made to drink foul tasting grass like smelling brown liquids that looks grrifying and taking two brown round fat pills that looks about as edible as my hamster's poop.

I absolutely refuse to regard if it is good or bad for me. I dont care!

grr.

I complain to my friend, stupid girl that she is and what? SHE TAKES MY MOM'S SIDE.

awesome.

GRRR!!!

10:17 PM

Table - archu, mirna, raha, charmaine, jaya, bear, priya, tanya:

believe me. I read through at least 100000 friendship quotes. It just goes to show how unique we all are together and seperately, that not a single quote fits us perfectly.

Rubbosh: If I could reach up, and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire sky will be mine.

just because I was reading star quotes and you came to mind.

9:28 PM

Never be bullied into silence.

Never allow yourself to be a victim.

Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

Your life is what your thought make it.

9:08 PM

we slip on the mask of happiness most easily, we hide behind the mask of perfection infront of strangers.

we step into the mask of courage and strength when others who look to us, look at us.

when in truth, we're hurting, we're scared, and we need to be loved.

will you still accept me if I take off all my masks?

9:02 PM

If you saw all the shadows in my eyes, would you still look at me with warmth in yours?

9:02 PM

Sometimes I'd get moody, and I might not enjoy the things we do together.

I'd lose my temper, and no longer act like the person you know.

I might get jealous, and say things I dont really mean.

Maybe I'd talk too much, that I'd drive you away.

Sometimes,

I'd get touchy and easily hurt.

and no matter how mature I try to be, at times I'd act in childish ways.

I'd demand things I shouldnt,

and say things I shouldnt say.

and no matter how much I want to protect you and make you happy,

I may be the one who cause you the most pain.

If you love me,

I cannot promise you that I will not hurt you.

I cannot promise you that I'll never make you cry or break your heart.

but if you love me,

I'll bare my whole heart to you. I'll be real, not a mask that fools you.

and I'll promise to love you, with all that I have.

with every part of my heart.

8:57 PM

I've always fought hard for what I believed in, fought back to what I didnt.

I fight for what I want, I fight for what I think is right.

shouldnt you know? you were afterall the one who trained me to be independent, to fight back. you armed me with words to protect myself, and a heart that wasnt too hard so I'd fight for the right reasons.

I've always been a fighter. always will be. between you, debate, and life; I was never to be a passive person.

my youngest memory of you training me to be strong was when I fell down. you never cuddled and you never came to me no matter how hard I cried. you would insist that I pick myself up and walk towards you. I was 5 then, outside Yamaha. I used to fall so often because of my legs, remember?

I remember when royston was born. I refused to eat my noodles because I wanted you to feedd me. but you told me to eat it on my own, or you would throw away my food. I didnt, and you threw away my food.

you trained me to be who I am today. you, mp, them, school, e, debate. all of you pushed me to fight, so that I wouldnt be just another face in the crowd complaining pointlessly about things I want to change but wouldnt.

why then do you expect differently from me?

I'm not easily scared. but I'm scared of three things.

1. Heights

2. Losing control

3. Becoming another face in the crowd.

8:44 PM

yesterday's night dream was so vivid. funny how your voice sounded so clear, yet you were so far away from me. I've never been one to be afraid of the dark. but for your sake the fear was so tangible if I reached out my hands to feel it I would have touched it.

the moment you said "geraldine, I give up." that moment was like ice.

-

I feel violated, in a way, everytime I see non cedarians walking around cedar. be they from other secondary schools or primary schools, I just dont like it. alot. I feel like throwing them out of my school. haha, protective instincts.

I like school for table's sake. I like honest conversations.

boo archu I'm pretty glad you stay in pasir ris and I really wonder why we

never found each other earlier. weird much I tell you. fate.

okay my liquid on my history notes dried.

9:14 PM

I dont know how to put this;

some things words just cannot describe.

I have only 4 months left of my 4 years. scary thought. it's everything that is familiar, it's everything that is dear. it isnt a matter of if I will see you after I graduate y'know. it'll be different. just different.

it's like seeing the sec3s take charge of those under them. they arent sure of themselves, that much is clear. but more still, I've grown used to seeing sec4s being incharge of everything around them. think of it. we used to be unused to seeing people in our own level run things; CCAs, COALs.

the shells of confidence can be so easily shattered with any sway in events.

Mirna you said things will continue as they are now. but will they?

I've always been a safe person, for the most part.

I dont like changes, but nothing, can change the tides of time.

10:11 PM

I really need to study, but I am really really sleepy after maths grilled and school and cramps.

I was actually feeling a teenyweenybit of jealous.

coz they get to go out and enjoy, and well.., just well.

the two seperate people I actually want to go out with properly. well I dont get to.

oh go away geraldine.

10:03 PM

you know what.

I dont bother, and I dont care.

seriously. I dont think anything should be the matter. if you are shamless and do stupid things on the internet without considering that it is the world wide web, you just have to tolerate what comes after.

no arguments, nothing else.

shamless. take out your sense of shame, seriously.

9:43 PM

these days have been, full of day. day-ful.

met mirna yesterday, after tuition. we were mentally planning our route up a wall of green vines. :) and I think we can do it actually, save the fact that it wouldnt look very well on either of our report cards, and I dont actually think my mom will nod calmly if I tell her I fell off a wall of vines and broke my arm.

I hate going into town under any circumstances, especially when I am alone. I dont like crowds too much. somehow they make me feel very very small, and very very alone. neither of which I particularly enjoy. I hate town. I hate crowds. which is why I hate shopping, pretty much.

studied with JH today. okay, quite productive. not so bad :) I conquered her ipod's series of impossible tests and all, while she slept :))

yup. and that's life.

who said you cant do anything but study all the time even when you are sec4?

8:50 PM

make it through the pain,

weather the hurricanes.

Here I am, still holding on.

today, el outing :) attendance was HAHA, but I guessed we all had fun.

Mich surprised me today, hahaha. the juniors wanted to throw me into the "pool" thing at vivo, and I was grabbing to the edge of some plant, and I dont know why but I started screaming for mich who was some distance away.

hahaha, she came over and pointed her finger at all the juniors and I swear all of them backed a step and then mich held her hand behind and ask me to follow her.

then mich left, and the juniors resumed the gonna throw me in stunt. and shar saved me.

see, sec4s are great :)

11:20 PM

airport today, with most of table :)

it's been awhile since all of us got together.

it's always, with priya or archu, or with archu, or with mirna.
((:

bear your letter is loved :)

especially the liquided penguin hehe, damn it I need to find out how to draw a proper bear :) polar bears are white too!! :) but I cooler I bet I have white paint somwhere. what reconcilation letter all now :) people get angry all the time :) still love you many much more :)

mirna came all the way down from Farrer park for an hour before rushing back up for her dance class :) cool thing today, all of us were wearing an element of grey on us. :)) the cedarian at work I bet :) normal people probably wouldnt do such a foolish thing to come down all the way for an hour and go back up, but since when have normal defined any of us?

studying fail I tell you, fail fail fail. but we all did get some work done. cant blame us, too long never see each other already lah :)

table: you know HSM1? yeah, cliche much, mushy much, but when I was listening to, we're all in this together

together together, we're there for each other every time

everyone is special in their own way, we make each other strong

we're not the same,

we're different in a good way

together's where we belong

describes things quite well no? love all of you :)

9:47 PM

I think my tolerance level is one of the weirdest things around.

I have a low level of tolerance as far as anything that touches my school or my friends. I dont tolerate alot of the antics people do. I dont tolerate ordinariness or any attempts to push boundaries I set up for myself.

but my tolerance level for anything regarding my friends is extremely high. it takes alot of buildup to even make me say, I'm annoyed now. and I accept things quite simply when my friends do it. it could go against what I believe in, but I'll accept it because they are my friends.

and as far as that annoying prick of an annoyance is concerned. my tolerance level is subzero.

what god-sister. add a forsaken somewhere.

this holidays has brought me and my brother closer. I think it's cause we're both growing up :)

12:13 AM

ALEX:

YOU THINK YOU CAN BRIBE ME WITH CHIPS MORE? NO I TELL YOU. I AM NO PIG (cough), BUT IT DISTRACTED ME ENOUGH NOT TO CALL HERRR YET.

YOU.

ON ECHO BBQ DAY.

NO LETTER.

YOU DIE.

Hehe :))

MIRNA HAHAHAHAHA. I think facebook is hilarious. and yes I think you need a tagboard so I can spam it when I am bored.

tableeeee outingggg studyyyy dateeeeeee. the person who does not come shall die :)

5:05 PM

yesterday I spent 13 and a half hours with archu :)

we had leader's bbq! :))))

did Badi's birthday present at my house, then went over to alex's where we played this weird game, then leader's bbq! :))

HAHA I tell you only leader's bbq will divide into depts to clean up the place, got firestructure inside the bbq pit somemore, words like food contamination, then clean up, we leave the place cleaner than when we came :)

all the feeding and the buttering and playing with fire, ((: and the gossiping, and collective outrage at not so wise manpower allocations :)

Love, the OAL board :)

4:04 PM

sec4, is abit like jail.

and for someone who has never been able to sit still, not do anything, not move around, not move about.

jail is torture :(

I want to fly.

go listen to theme of tears. it's a sad, incredibly moving, lovely song.

9:21 PM

watch me fling my arms out and embrace the sky.

stand up and watch the clouds float by.

12:25 PM

I'm trying to sort out my thoughts in an orderly fashion. funny how sorting webpages and webpages of information into a case is so much easier than sorting out emotions.

filter the emotions out, weight the logic behind it.

head over heart, head over heart.

I live by my own principles. some of them shaped by the people around me, some of them free from any influence, against what is considered proper and right. but principles are principles. and somethings you just cannot bend. somethings have to be made clear.

debate training. think, run through, shoot. the basis of what makes up the floor isnt it.

I miss the floor. competition floors and blood running fast and excitement almost tangible. war of words has always appealed.

all of us are suffering from cca-withdrawal symptoms.

12:07 PM

anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.

but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart,

that's true strength.

we'll all be strong.

8:19 PM

haha

ALEX YOU NAGGY BUDDY. GOD. NAG NAG NAG ONLY. :))

IT'S OKAY I STILL LOVE YOU LOTS.

hehe friday see you I go and crash your house mess your room you better have letter for me already I tell you else I go and scold her I send sms and email and call her and SCOLD her!

HEHEHE :) YOU WILL SO MURDER ME :)

12:21 AM

you know how like everyone says: we can do it?

I sometimes wonder if we really can, or is it just words.

something is wrong with me. table, I need happy gas session. soon.

9:51 PM

feels like freefall confusion.

what do I do? - drop one pure, or combine or continue with both pure?

I dont know.

I've always hated physics. I allowed someone else to take the decision making from my hands and make the decision for me. and I've regretted taking physics. do I let the people around me influence me and drag me down and combine? do I? can I do it, can I pull my grades up? can I? should I?

it's easy enough to see,

I've always envied people who have the love of those below them.

but geraldine, have you forgotten.

you arent the kind people look at and love.

do you command respect? maybe, maybe not.

does it matter?

are you a good senior, a good junior?

I do what I think is best. as always.

but is it the best?

the inevitable is the one that makes you bury your head. you've defeated yourself before it begins.

have I?

the doubts trickle in my head.

10:02 PM

today I couldnt recall your face when I sat at the spiderweb. funny how we're both cedarians, and how pp is the official cedar hangout, but I've never ever been there with you before, never.

the line between blurs.

I've always been a rebel, but I actually respect certain rules. because I believe that rules are meant to protect and to nurture. so anything that goes beyond my comprehension I fight against. but certain rules, certain lines, I keep.

there's just too much that time cannot erase. I can remember moments I can remember words I can remember the feel. but I cant recall your face. I cant, and I dont want to open your photo, because it would make you feel like an obligation that I am obliged to carry around. but I cant remember. I cant remember.

you promised to walk me through the storm, to catch my hand and pull my forward.

you promised.

12:32 AM

Unfriend:

tonight was a bad night all around, but you made it better.

awesome me ask awesome question on formspring right :)

Thank you, stupid baby bat :)

11:43 PM

I feel, pushed away & insubstantial.

I only exist when you need me. has it ever crossed your mind that I have my own needs and wants to?

it's okay, really. I wish I didnt care, but since I do; I just have to swallow it right?

swallow my pride, swallow my spirit, swallow my words, swallow my anger.

swallow everything, just because I once promised to be beside you.

besides the point.

10:14 PM

I dont know what I did and how I did it,

but I am down for english oral remedial.

I am the debate captain.

this is so fml material.

"I am the debate captain in my school. I am down for english oral remedial. fml."

prelim 1 results. I swear my score for my paper is what I should be getting for my overall L1R5.

great?

10:09 PM

that stings. it hurts, it does, you know.

so I'm not even important enough to you for you to let me in right? to let me know, what makes you smile, what makes you cry, what makes you laugh. no. no. not to share your accomplishments with, not to share your tears with.

why do I have to act like a stalker and know from fb, blog? why? I dont. I have never, ever, stalked. I dont intend to start.

-

not everything goes your way, I know that much. but must it be the way that everytime, everytime, every single time I open up and start to matter about someone, that that person must react at the opposite end of the freaking emotion spectrum.

you matter to me. but who was I to think that I matter to you? wait, have I ever mattered?

no, right.

I feel like swearing. colorfully.

12:13 AM

have been feeling really lethargic and restless.

when the music fades,

all is stripped away, and I simply come.

longing just to bring, something that's of worth, that'll bless your heart.

I bring you more than a song, for a song in itself

is not what you have required.

you search much deeper within, through the way things appear

you're looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship;

I havent felt pure satisfaction in awhile.

debate withdrawal symptoms.

hello friends can we go and do something physical and stupid soon I need to work this energy off :(

8:43 PM

boo alex.

I know you are still reading this space, but I swear you have something against my tagboard right. havent seen you online in awhile either :(

I still care many much about the heart between the two of us and I'm still catching up with your life yup? (:

miss you, we catch up soon.

rawring hamster needs her sun :) who else lets rawring hammy bully without complains? (:

p.s. you found so many star star and bubbles and skies for me :)

8:29 PM

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare?

dreams are around my head alot recently.

romance overload. I think my thereshold for tolerance of romance is quite low. last episodes annoy and irritate me. and I find all the, I-love-you-you-love-me-but-we-cannot-say-then-we-make- everyone-suffer-with-us-and-make-each-other-and-ourselves-suffer-the-most parts ridiculous, and mind you I think it seems to make up the bulk of the movie.

so typical outline of taiwan/korean/singapore's idol films.

two utterly completely mismatched people get together through a twist of faith, hate each other's guts, then fall in love, then realize that they are in love, try to solve all the problems, then give up each other to someone else and suffer, realize that they are suffering, then get together, then happily ever after.

if that doesnt sound stupid enough to you to a certain extent I think you are stupid too.

one once in a while is fine. those who make a habit of watching and constantly gushing should get their heads check.

11:11 AM