& just look up

never one to hold out against harmless temptations. :)

stars-.tumblr.com :)

6:05 PM

tumblr with its beautiful ability to repost pictures and typography is seriously tempting me. Serious temptation...!! Should I should I not!! :(

5:25 PM

Rubbosh, talking to you made me feel better :)

9:07 PM

You wont see anything but anger on my face or hear anything else but anger in my voice.

because the other emotions are too raw.

8:45 PM

V. I wont say it's okay because it isnt. and I'd say stop crying but then you'd just cry yourself to sleep at night, alone. but I'm gonna tell you that you know that I'll always walk you through the storm even if it means getting really wet, dont you? strength. from the inside. somtimes it takes a little hurt to dig it out but it's there alright. I know it, I feel it.

and you. can you please stop torturing yourself. I'm not worth it.

10:21 PM

No matter how much I think through and handle things, there are bound to be things that I'll look back on hindsight and regret.

but the very thing I hate next to losing out? I hate regretting stuff, because it means that I didnt do my best or didnt handle it and get the conclusion that I wanted to achieve; therefore I would regret, wouldnt I?

but I realized that if I wrote down a whole list of things I would regret in my time in cedar, there are more words I regret not saying out than the things I did not do.

somedays all I want to do is to pick up the phone and call you. just to hear your voice, just to hear you laugh. I hate being the junior, because then there are always so many considerations to consider. I know you dont need me there with you anymore, because you have someone else you hold much closer. I can close my eyes and call out images of us just walking out cedar primary. total silence or constant chatter, I always enjoyed our moments alone.

taking apart debates after competitions over icecream.

do you know how much I miss having you around.

do you know do you know how much it aches to watch her speak because there are so many similarities in style.

do you know how if I close my eyes and imagine you standing next to me, sitting next to me during debate formation I could just start crying. but I cant because my team needs me to be calm and logical and on the fighting edge?

do you know how hard it is to school feelings before and after a debate, win or lose?

I did it e,

I became the best debate captain I could be.

I did it, I became the best instructor I could possible be.

I did it e, I did it.

but E, I am never going to be the senior that you were to me not in private. I wont ever close someone out so mercilessly so ruthlessly.

I didnt dream it all did I? I didnt. I know I didnt.

I regret not telling you how important you were to me. I regret not telling you how much you meant to me.

you know what I miss most? I miss hearing you call my name. that's what I miss the most.

8:55 PM

To you,

you keep saying that you are okay, that you are fine. but everytime I go onto your blog something new pops out at me all over again. no, dont "random post" me. people dont keep blogs to randomly post random stuff all the time. quotes, song lyrics perhaps. not words, not thoughts.

you keep asking me not to worry. but the only way i will not worry is if there is nothing to worry about, dont you see?

everyone has to think. if you dont, you just become a spineless person with no judgement for yourself. but if you keep allowing negativity to lead those thoughts, that isnt going to get you anywhere much either isnt it?

I said I'd always respect your decisions, whatever they may be. and I will. If you would like to keep it to yourself and not share with others, yes, you can. but the decisions that you make shouldnt hurt you.

I keep feeling like I am hitting at a wall that you've built. a wall that was never there before.

and it truly truly truly gets to me.

I havent heard a you sounding like you in quite sometime, no matter how much you deny it. and I'd like to hear that person I knew again.

Whatever it is. I'm always here for you alright.

12:44 AM

I'll always protect those I love.

12:38 AM

at the start of this year, my resolution was to make happy bubbles for people. because I realized highness was contagious.

now? I'm gonna add one more to that.

Telling people how much they mean to me has always been a weird thing for me. despite all the boldness and the arrogance, I dont say things like this easily.

so I'm going to let the people I love know, that I love them. because I do.

So I am going to do that. I dont believe in elaborateness. I believe little things are the ones which says the most :)

yup. I'm gonna do that :)

11:49 PM

it hurts me when I see the board like that. a silent storecheck? our storechecks were always so filled with laughter, words, teasings, songs.

it pains me to hear all that they say. because the board used to be so good. we used to love storechecks. we sit in the canteen, holding ourselves back to not go crash storecheck. we still randomly burst into campfire songs. we still have weird gatherings everywhere in school.

no, dont let it die like this.

I had such a bad urge, to smell the store.

we could memorize logist lists. everyone of us knew what everybody else had, because storechecks were a huge mess. those who finished earlier helped those who didnt. no one left alone. parents scolding, tuitions, push and push and push. ending at 7, all the time.

but you see them trickling, in twos, in threes.

):

no, it aint supposed to be this way.

11:28 PM

MLIA. nope not my life is average because mine certainly isnt. My Life Is Awesome.

For friends who shut you up when you whine by throwing a mini whine fit. mind you, we are sec4s and there is a whole canteenful of people. and we arent exactly very soft either you see but whatever, what's the point of being the oldest around if you have to think about what others see you as?

For friends who get you chocolate just because you said " AND IF ANYBODY LOVES ME ENOUGH I LIKE THE CORNFLAKES ONE". not only the chocolate, but with words that says, I love you more than enough :)

For friends who go exploring the school with you, climbing every possible nook and opening every possible door. even those that are locked. door picking with every possible device :)

climb to the roof, climb over gates, climb onto platforms, climb onto ledges.

plan ways to get somewhere and do it.

for friends experienced enough with spotting to casually, naturally spot. who dont say GET DOWN DONT DO THAT. rather, eh can this one quite safe. :))

for sitting down in the canteen in the middle of some random table and just sit down and talk, just as sec4s.

for swinging almost everyday.

for 81 busrides home.

for just being there :)

Hey friends. (: Life would certainly be alot alot more worst without any of you around.

Cedar, is a huge playground. Huge. Awesome. Playground.

P.s. WE NEED A LOCK PICKING DEVICE.

8:36 PM

It is impossible to love and be wise.

some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.

Falling for someone the first time is easy.

It's the second time around,

after you have fallen and trusted someone to catch you and they didn't.

That's when it becomes difficult to let yourself fall again.

God, grant me

the serenity, to accept things I cannot change

courage, to change the things I can

and wisdom, to know the difference

11:25 PM

I had an urge to prove to myself that you were not a figment of my imagination.

I almost couldnt find your letters admist the pile I had. and I panicked. I just threw everything in the drawer on the floor.

and sat down and cried holding on to your letter, rereading and looking for all the familiar characters.

do you know how painful it is for you to treat me like a stranger?

9:00 PM

Today in the hall. announcement to the entire cohort.

the 8 bags that are permanently placed there.

yup, meet table.

8:28 PM

The price to pay is just too high.

makes me selfish. but I'm letting you go. You just gotta decide if you want to walk back.

I'm too tired to think about it anymore.

8:17 PM

nobody has everything.

nobody has nothing either.

but having nothing is not the worst thing.

having something, but not having it,

That, is the worst of it all.

8:13 PM

Tying a knot to the end of my rope, and holding on.

older now, better now.

at hiding pain and hurt. and the stone in the gut.

the outside aint cracking no more.

even when the inside is being eaten up by insecurities.

I will never be a second you.

I keep drawing parallels to both.

I hate it how I let my thoughts mess.

and it's obvious in my dreams.

9:43 PM

uncertain and insecure.

how did I even end up this way around you?

always the same. the same pattern with little variations.

the eyes and voice they say it all. but without these I'm so lost.

how much truth how much fake how much denial?

guessing games, over and over. and I always lose.

8:23 PM

I am just in this mood, to curl up into a corner, curl into myself.

why do I feel so small.

9:26 PM

my brain feels like a overloaded sponge.
National Health Service vs National Health Plans.

9:20 PM

what hurts the most, was being so close

and having so much to say,

waching you walk away

never knowing, what could have been

not seeing that loving you

was what I was trying to do.

circles never end. history keeps replaying.

the sad song's on repeat.

The only people that have always been around for me have been my friends.

hey table: archu, mirna, tanya, bear, jaya, raha, charmaine,

alex, esther,

to all the people I've ever trusted

for all of you :)

8:02 PM

never important to those that matter.

4:38 PM

should start getting used to all these by now. but no I dont ever seem to learn.

draw away, draw away. just so when it hits the impact lessens. keep away your heart geraldine. just keep it away.

2:52 PM

sometimes I wonder what I'd redo if I could rewalk my cedar life all over again.

watching the sec1s, then looking at the sec4s. only then do you realize that we really do actually grow by alot.

10:20 PM

there's nothing I wouldnt do

to hear you voice again

sometimes I want to call you

but I know you wont be there.

sometimes I just wanna hide cause it's you I miss

are you proud of who I am?

are you, e?

one thing for sure. I'll do anything I can, to not make the same mistake you did with me.

and you. I really wonder what I mean to you.

5:58 PM

Find it quite amusing that you guys actually care enough to plan when to talk about me?

nah you guys are not worth me thinking about to even bother that much.

I honestly hope we thrash. just so I can see you cry. to know that I caused those tears. I want to make you cry.

& to not have a reason to be pissed but be pissed? well well well.

Hey friends, all of you make my day a little brighter. even in the darkest moments :)

9:36 PM

I refuse to believe that you didnt see the missed calls.

or that you think me naive enough to believe, "you are okay"

You do know me, dont you. you know I wouldnt turn away as long as you are not okay.

Sounding right is not an obligation. Why do you make it sound like one I'm placing on you?!

GREAT.

10:08 PM

watching the fireworks reminds me of the date we had a year ago.
not likely now right?

since I'm just a familiar looking, sounding stranger, as far as you are concerned.

9:12 PM

You have no idea, absolutely no idea how tempted I was to press enter on that. it took so much self control to delete my answer. so. much. control.

Yes, I have control, where anger is concerned. you know that much.
but you dont know what it is like when I snap right? for you sake, I hope you dont.

you are pushing it.

go right ahead and continue. sure, go right ahead.

not easily this riled. but it takes a long time for the anger to fade. & it's long after I walk past the barrier I call hurt.

8:47 PM

No, no, no, no, no. my heart is screaming it doesnt want to, it doesnt want that kind of pain all over again. spare me please just spare me. I dont want I dont want to.

My head says I should try, I should do this for table. I should I know I should. but my heart says it doesnt want such a pain all over again.

History repeats? I dont want it to just just, take it all.

8:09 PM

I dont like knowing that to think of things logically and calmly I have to divorce my emotions away from my logic. I am so tempted to just go with what I am feeling and make a rash decision. but no, I shouldnt.

7:43 PM

How could you hurt her this way if you claim you love her?

Isnt she broken enough as it is?

she's still learning how to stand on her own two feet. and you "love" her by pushing her off balance again and again?

if you love her, how could you stand seeing her so broken? she's not even anyone that is close to me, she's just a junior that all of us know. and my heart aches for her when I read what she writes. the emotion in it is so raw. the things she tells us are so innocent. she's so vulnerable. how could you?

How can you love a person in such a way, that the other person doesnt feel your love at all?

you leave her so broken and helpless.

3:17 PM

Funny how I'm really sensitive to certain people. walks in, I just look up. hmm.

You. we'll play your game. I'm not the person I was a year ago. you dont affect me you see, because I wont allow you to. I'm a cold hearted bitch when I want to be. Bitch? sure. I'll show you what bitch is. You see, I'll give you anything if you are my friend, if you are someone I hold close. but I can also be damn mean when I want to be. You, just watch your steps.

because we're all graduating. so I dont see why you need to be the only one who dramas it. you are not the only one with a junior you care about, so dont act that way. there is no rationale behind acting like that, so there.

maths degrades our brains. swings make me smile. funny debriefs make me go huh. conversations, and just randomised topics. sitting leaning down with eyes closed. the moments I'll look back and smile on.

8:32 PM

I'm in a happy bubble, but the sides of this bubble is much more fragile than usual ones. more fragile. :(

I dont like being jealous, I have no business being jealous here so shut up and shut it out geraldine.

I feel so.. URGH!!

8:08 PM

sigh. I dont like feeling jealous.

7:45 PM

I'll still fight when I can fight.

11:39 PM

hahaha you gotta love this ugly ass of a gbob man.

HAHAHA OMG UNFRIEND YOU ADMITTED IT!

10:26 PM

why are you so sure that I'll always be there for you, I'll always be the same, when even I'm not sure of it myself? dealing with you makes my heart cold. working in tandem with you hurts.

you'll never read this.

7:39 PM