I'm sorry I pushed people away today. It really wasnt anything to do with any of you. I just needed time alone away from everything else.

I need time to sort out what is inside my head. to balance logic and emotions. to rationalize everything that is going on.


Today's talk with mirna was..good. ((:

Study date @ Bishan library was..rather productive. but I still have a problem with juniors who are...harlots. sorry, there seems to be no other adjective that could be used to describe.

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I wonder why, you like to use the thing that hurts me most. is it truly your intention to cause hurt, or is it because you dont fully understand how hurtful it actually is? you will never know what it feels like to be so intimately aware of all the details of the OAL board, but be "excluded" from it at the same time. I wonder if you will ever know of sitting in the canteen watching them do pre camp checks, or knowing the logistics like the back of your hand but not being there? I wonder if you know how I sat there and watched the instructors coiled ropes and yearned with all I had to go over and coil rope once again? do you know, I coiled rope for charmaine for a guides, and the familarity was so heart wrenching, I hurt so much? do you know? you dont, you cant. and you wont ever read this. but do you know everytime you use it against me once you hurt me more than you ever thought you could?

do you know OAC2010 was living hell?
why do you keep using this against me? why? does it give you pleasure to see me ache inside?


thank you for singlehandedly destroying the shield I built all over.

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how do you explain something no one can truly understand?